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Johnny Rotten
Contributing Member
USA
1458 Posts |
 Posted - 07/26/2007 : 08:00:22
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Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. And if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it Discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!........Request bread..."
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Does anybody really know the secret?
And the combination for this life and where they keep it? |
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Johnny Rotten
Contributing Member
USA
1458 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2007 : 08:07:12
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Rent for Apartment.
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her. Calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, Please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
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Does anybody really know the secret?
And the combination for this life and where they keep it? |
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Johnny Rotten
Contributing Member
USA
1458 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2007 : 10:30:38
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Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose brings in lots of money, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose "How can I bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Well, look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
"Now look at my sign."
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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Does anybody really know the secret?
And the combination for this life and where they keep it? |
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CapeChick
Contributing Member
Zimbabwe
3595 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2007 : 23:41:19
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Thank you! Keep me supplied while you're away or I will get testy!
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We cannot have peace among men whose hearts delight in killing any living creature.
Rachel Carson
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Askabutcher
Contributing Member
2506 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2007 : 07:03:07
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Timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.? If?our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
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My "R" rated Rants & Raves
http://askabutcher.proboards42.com/index.cgi?board=blog |
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Johnny Rotten
Contributing Member
USA
1458 Posts |
Posted - 07/27/2007 : 12:36:23
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3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The Blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Does anybody really know the secret?
And the combination for this life and where they keep it? |
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Johnny Rotten
Contributing Member
USA
1458 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2007 : 08:35:22
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A Farmer and His Mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Does anybody really know the secret?
And the combination for this life and where they keep it? |
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Askabutcher
Contributing Member
2506 Posts |
Posted - 08/06/2007 : 07:00:20
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The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.......
Duh! Here's yer sign! 
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Your smile for the day. Think about this the next time you're standing in line at Wal-Mart.
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My "R" rated Rants & Raves
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Edited by - Askabutcher on 08/06/2007 07:01:44 |
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Askabutcher
Contributing Member
2506 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2007 : 06:09:09
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse )
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